


I wanna hold you

by pyton



Series: Beastdori [1]
Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: (beastars canon that is), Alternate Universe - Fusion, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anthropomorphic, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, Furry, i wrote this for myself but all of you are welcome to read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2020-11-23 13:30:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20892893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyton/pseuds/pyton
Summary: No matter how I struggleNo matter how I wishMy claws and fangs won't disappear(A Beastars Sayotsugu au.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is what I’ve been working on for quite a bit! It’s two (possibly three) part sytsg Beastars au cause I real, real need it but no one but me will make it so here we are. I hope this will make sense even if you are not familiar with Beastars manga (or anime). Basic summary: it’s a furry world. Yeah. And you can be sure my furry ass went hog wild over it and since I’ve been going hog wild over sytsg as well, well, it just made sense to combine my two obsessions into one.
> 
> Warning for people who are not familiar with Beastars: it is a work that has both sex and violence and this is somehow reflected here. There is nothing explicit or NSFW here but both topics are mentioned. It's not violent enough for a tag but heads up. 
> 
> There will be few other characters in next chapter but in the first one we only have Sayo & Tsugumi. Sayo is a common wolf while Tsugumi is a japanese squirrel.
> 
> Ah, there's also a mention of a 'jaw game' in this chapter. It's basicaly a tug-of-war between carnivores to determinate their strength.

Hikawa Sayo is a no-good, perverted wolf.

She has always prided herself for being better than her fellow carnivore peers: unlike them she never experienced a desire to consume a herbivore, found the idea positively repulsing even. Anytime she caught a carnivore schoolmate ‘joking’ about visiting Black Market or eating any of herbivore students she made sure they would get a stern warning, at the very least.

But here she is, barely managing to avoid openly drooling while watching Tsugumi excitedly explain to her the difference between cookies and biscuits.

While she never avoided contacts with herbivores, she also never had that many relationships with anyone in the first place, even casual ones. That has changed with her joining Roselia but everyone in the band were either omnivores or carnivores like her. She still hadn’t experienced a close bond with a herbivore. That is, until Tsugumi.

They have seen each other before, during their bands joint concert and Hina was friendly with the girl so Sayo had an inkling of who she was, but their first real meeting was during a sweet-making class Tsugumi’s family was running at their coffee shop. Sayo felt awkward coming there at first: not only a sight of a carnivore coming to a class centred around sweets making could make herbivores there uneasy it also didn’t fit her personality.

But despite all this Tsugumi had welcomed her with open arms. She was an excellent teacher (even though it was kind of awkward at times due to Tsugumi being roughly 60 centimetres smaller than Sayo, but they have managed with a help of stools) and as they have both discovered during their conversation, someone who was a kindred spirit. Sayo never thought, never dreamed that someone like her could ‘click’ with another person so fast. That was the beginning of their friendship.

And the beginning of a hunger Sayo was sure she would never experience.

She didn’t notice it at first, how her nose started picking up a delicious scent when Tsugumi was around, noticing how soft her fur looked, or how, embarrassingly, she started drooling occasionally during their outings, seemingly for now reason (thankfully, Tsugumi just assumed she hadn’t had launch yet and invited her to a restaurant she wanted to check out).

But once _the dreams_ started she couldn’t not notice.

She screamed the first time it has happened, enough to wake up entire household. It was never this bad afterwards, but she always woke up in a cold sweat. How could she not, after a nightmare she had just seen?

A horrible painting of blood and flesh, a scene out of a late night crime show, an unforgivable crime.

Her friend dyed in red, barely recognizable, by her fangs and claws.

A sweet taste in her mouth.

She spends rest of her day feelings sick.

A reasonable part of her is urging her to stop meeting with Tsugumi, not without someone else present at the very least or better yet, stop meeting entirely but her foolish side doesn’t want, can’t bear to break of a friendship that started meaning so much to her in such a short period of time. She might present herself as a non-nonsense person, but in reality she’s just a teenage girl, who’s a subject of whims of emotions. She doesn’t want to stop something that makes her feel so good.

She’s a selfish , no-good wolf, one that would risk someone’s safety just because of her personal feelings.

When the dreams persisted, she naturally started doing research and soon ended up in a rabbit hole that the topic of carnivore-herbivore relationships was.

There were articles that insisted it’s natural for carnivore’s first relationship with herbivore involve carnivore lusting after the herbivore’s flesh, there were articles that said this was a sign of a relationship doomed to fail. Some insisted these subconscious desires meant nothing, others that they showed the inevitably of any carnivore-herbivore relationship.

As she researched the topic more and more, one thing kept surfacing.

Romance between carnivores and herbivores.

Slowly, her researched topic changed from completely platonic relations between carnivores and herbivores to decidedly _un_-platonic territory.

It started with a comment under one of articles she read where a reader asked advices for dealing with his bloodlust for a classmate.

‘imo, if you want a safe outlet just search for porn mags about herbivores. sex and bloodlust are just two sides of the same coin after all’

Despite how crude the comment was Sayo couldn’t get it out of her head. Unsurely, embarrassed she typed in ‘romance between herbivores and carnivores’ into search tab.

Upon seeing the results she promptly erased history and closed her laptop before running to the bathroom for a quick, cold shower.

It was a sight she would never forget.

‘Sayo-san?’’

Damn it, she got lost in her thoughts over how soft Tsugumi’s fur looked like again.

‘F-forgive me, Hazawa-san’ Sayo coughs, hoping her blush was not _too_ noticeable under her fur ‘’I was lost in my thoughts for a moment. What did you say?’’

‘Ehehe, it’s okay! I was just wondering, um, I am so sorry if this is an inappropriate question but… I was wondering if you ever played the jaw game?’

’The.. jaw game?’ Sayo repeats with confusion evident in her voice ’how did you know about- oh, right, from rest of the Afterglow.’ As opposed to Roselia (though not by design) , Afterglow was made out of carnivores and herbivores both. And seeing as they were all childhood friends there was a high chance not only of Tsugumi knowing very well what ‘the jaw game’ was but also witnessing it in person.

‘Ah, sorry for suddenly asking something like that! I probably shouldn’t be asking that-‘’

‘N-no, it’s okay!’ replies Sayo, cringing at how loud she ended up being ‘it’s an unexpected question, but I know you don’t mean anything bad by it…’ she scratches back of her head. ‘To answer your question… I’ll admit me and Hina used to play it when we were younger but it strikes me as a bit juvenile now … most carnivores use it as a way to show off, instead of using it as a healthy exercise.’

At that Tsugumi giggles. ‘…Hazawa-san? Did I say something strange?’ Sayo hoped her confusion wasn’t that obvious.

‘Ah, no, sorry it’s just… such a Sayo-san like answer!’

‘…Sayo-san like answer?’ Okay, there was no way now she isn’t visibly confused now, with how she felt as if there was a floating question mark right above her head.

‘Yeah! I mean, I expected you probably wouldn’t care for something like showing off your strength and instead focus on the ways it would be beneficial in other aspects. Ah, I hope it doesn’t sound like I am making fun of you!’ Tsugumi looks a bit abashed.

‘O-oh, okay? Um, thank you…?’ Sayo is still a bit confused by the statement but at least it seems like Tsugumi found her answer endearing instead of weird or lame. She’s not sure if she would survive her <strike>crush</strike>_ friend _thinking she was a weirdo.

‘Do carnivore members of Afterglow play the jaw game then?’ Sayo wanted to slap herself as soon as the question left her mouth; had they not, Tsugumi wouldn’t know what the jaw game is in the first place.

‘Um, yeah! Ran-chan and Tomoe-chan play it fairly often, and sometimes Moca-chan joins in to. She’s probably the strongest out of these three, actually…’

‘Real? I would have expected it would be Udagawa-san.’

Tsugumi nods ‘Yeah, it’s real surprising! I wouldn’t expect that from Moca-chan but she’s surprisingly strong… It’s actually real impressive to see her managing to pull Tomoe-chan to her side even though she’s a way smaller animal.. Goes to show size isn’t everything, right?’

‘R-right’ Sayo mumbles. She didn’t know how to feel talking about this topic with a) a smaller herbivore that b) she may or may not want to eat/had a crush on. It screamed like an incredible dangerous territory to be in. Luckily, this conversation would likely switch to a much safer topic now like-

‘Ah, actually, I’ve wanted to tell this for a while but… your fangs are real impressive, Sayo-san!’

Well, scratch switching to a safer topic _now_.

‘O-oh? Um, thank you…?’ Sayo’s mind feels like it started to run in overdrive, as if her own heart was about to burst open from her chest. _This is bad_. This is not a topic that should involve herbivore, especially when she had several dreams about eating said herbivore.

‘Yeah, they look real strong and sharp… You must take care of them a lot, right?’

‘A-a normal amount I would expect.’ A fast replay, perhaps a bit too fast but Sayo needs to nip this conversation in the bud. She picked up first thing to her right ‘Anyway, do you think this cookie mould would look go-’

‘To be honest, I wonder how it would feel like to touch them. Your fangs, I mean!’

_Thud._

The cookie mould Sayo held slipped from her paw and landed between her and Tsugumi.

_Hot_. It became so hot all of the sudden. Sayo’s heart is racing way over the speed limit and she can barely breath.

‘Ah, are you okay?’ with a look of great concern Tsugumi touches (_touches_) Sayo’s left paw ‘I’m sorry, was that a bad thing to say-‘

‘**_Don’t touch me!_**’

Sayo has done many things she had regretted in her life, more than she could ever count. Feeling disappointed in herself, feeling sick in her stomach was nothing new. She has seen the hurt look on Hina face all because _she_ couldn’t deal with her huge inferiority complex (she’s getting better but she still can’t help but feel like she swallowed bunch of needles when she hears the way Hina plays guitar), she has hurt her bandmates because of her lack of consideration…

But right now the hurt and fearful look on Tsugumi’s face feels like a punch to guts.

‘I-I am…’ Tsugumi’s shaking, she’s shaking and she sounds like she is about to cry and Sayo feels as if her insides were being covered in ice ‘I’m-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be asking you this o-or touch you without your permission I-I’ll-!’

Sayo _has_ to say something, _do_ something to diffuse the situation before they reach the point of no return but all she can do is to just stand there and try to speak, to say she’s sorry, she overreacted, this is not Tsugumi’s fault, it never could be, it’s always Sayo’s but her voice just won’t come out.

‘…Hazawa-san-‘ she finally manages to utter the other girl’s name when Tsugumi bows and says, still sounding like she was on verge of crying ‘I-I have to go! I’m real sorry about bothering you!’

And then… Tsugumi runs off.

As she runs and becomes smaller and smaller Sayo gets an urge to chase after her, to explain herself, to tell Tsugumi that she could never do something to upset Sayo, it’s all on Sayo real. It’s always Sayo.

But a big (bad) wolf giving a chase after a small squirrel is not a scene that would ever work out in Sayo’s favour. There are already plenty of animals looking her way and muttering something under their breath. Chasing after Tsugumi would just make things worse.

So she doesn’t and instead looks at the display before her, but remembering how she and Tsugumi were supposed to spend their time together here robs her of any desire to stay.

And so she leaves. Normally, her and Tsugumi would be talking about baking, school, bands, or about anything real, and making plans when and where to meet next time but today the walk back is silent. So silent.

She sighs. She thought she had changed, at least a little but…

Sayo is, despite everything she went through, still a mass of ugly inferiority.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we are back~. I honestly wasn't expecting this would end up this long; it's longer than what I've initially envisioned the entire fic would end up be.
> 
> I am real moved and genuinely suprised people actually like this? It seemed to be so niche like two other people would be into it but it turns out I was wrong! Thank you very much!
> 
> Big shout-out to @jaynestargaryen on twitter for drawing fan art for this au! https://twitter.com/jaynestargaryen/status/1184905556730900480 https://twitter.com/jaynestargaryen/status/1186778868394233856 it moves my heart seeing that people like my silly writing.
> 
> The list of species everyone is will be at the end note.

Sayo’s fangs are big & sharp. Tsugumi can’t look away; she’s no stranger to carnivores, seeing as her childhood friend are mostly ones but the way Sayo’s fangs glisten, the sharp edges, the pearly whiteness… she’s captivated by them.

Tsugumi’s a small animal and small animals like her have certain instincts. Like, for example: bared fangs equalled roughly; run, run for your life.

And it’s not like she never experienced her body telling her to run away: a carnivore classmate playing ‘a prank’ on her, or when things heated up between Ran and Tomoe, the feline vocalist hissing, her fur standing up and the low growls the canine drummer emitted before they’ve transformed into barks… these things made her whole body tremble. Any time that has happened Ran and Tomoe looked so sheepish (heh) afterwards, ashamed of forgetting how a small herbivore like Tsugumi or Himari might feel like, seeing two carnivores bare their fangs at each other.

But with Sayo…

With Sayo, Tsugumi feels like she _wants_ Sayo to bare her fangs, to show them in all their glory. To bite into the food at the restaurant they’ve visited without a restrain or worry. To not hide her small, soft smiles behind her hands, before becoming bashful when she realizes that way her claws are fully visible.

That never happened before.

And Sayo is so careful to hide her fangs and claws as much as she possibly can. Of course she is; Sayo is nothing if not proper and a proper carnivore-herbivore etiquette always involves carnivore trying their best to appear as unthreatening as possible.

Tsugumi can tell how hard Sayo tries; even if her interactions with wolves before Sayo were sparse (she knew Hina but also Hina… was likely not the way anyone imagined wolf to act like. Or any animal real.) but she knows how carnivores handle themselves and Sayo around her… well, it was painfully oblivious she was holding herself back. A lot.

Tsugumi’s touched on one hand; clearly, Sayo cares if she’s going against her very nature just so Tsugumi could be comfortable around her but… but Tsugumi also doesn’t want Sayo to hold back around her.

She wants to grab Sayo’s hand and tell her she doesn’t have to clench her fists around her, eating cookies they make together in the most awkward way possible just so her fangs will remain as hidden as possible, slouch as to make their height difference less so. Tsugumi’s just happy she’s around and she wants Sayo to feel free to feel vulnerable around her, just like during that fated cooking class.

But would that be too much? Her friends admired Tsugumi for her, quote ‘can-do-attitude’ unquote and willingness to try new things, but they also knew her for years. How would a girl she meet fairly recently react to her insisting she didn’t had to make herself smaller? That she could display her fangs and claws around her without any worries?

Would that cross a line?

Make Sayo uncomfortable?

That’s the last thing Tsugumi wants.

But now she messed up and Sayo probably hates her.

Tsugumi doesn’t understand, doesn’t know what came over her; it’s not like she had any intention of their conversation steering in that way, she just wanted to… talk about topic that was carnivore related, to ease Sayo in feeling more comfortable around her. Sure, maybe not the best way to go about it but… it was better than nothing, right?

But then… but then…

Tsugumi had to mention Sayo’s fangs. The words left her mouth before she thought better of it and could stop them from leaking out. Her secret desires were now out in the open.

And Sayo rejected them. Of course she did; even if Tsugumi was a wolf she would never be as a magnificent wolf as Sayo. There is no universe where the two of them could be together.

All that’s left is to dwell on her feelings for a guitarist canine girl.

What are her feelings for Sayo?

…

Isn’t it love?

She wasn’t so shocked by this revelation. After all, most of her friends were either in interspecies relationship themselves or clearly were crushing on someone from another species. Moca and Ran made things work, even if a pair of a cat and opossum belonged to more unusual relationships. And it’s not like a couple with their height difference would be that rare; after all Himari and Tomoe also had a significant height difference and they were all over each other. Though, they weren’t official dating per say. Even if everyone else acted as if they were.

The fact she was enamoured with a wolf was not what scared her.

It was the fact that she couldn’t get Sayo’s fangs out of her head.

She doesn’t know why she finds Sayo’s fangs so captivating but she does. She wants to reach out and touch them. There’s something thrilling about the idea of holding fangs of someone who could easily overpower her and eat her whole. Tsugumi didn’t thought of herself as a girl with such twisted desires but it seems like being with Sayo is just series of revelations about herself.

Such as that fangs of a girl she’s in love with, rather than scare her, draw her in. That rather than wanting to run away from Sayo’s barred fangs she wants to- she wants to…

.

..

…

Tsugumi’s not real sure herself what she wants. She imagines taking Sayo’s fangs in her hands and then what? What would she do next? She’s pretty sure she’s in love, and normally you want to kiss someone you are in love with. Does she want to do that?

Or maybe she’s simply mistaking these emotions she feels when she sees, thinks of Sayo, these quicker heartbeats, the butterflies in her stomach after all and all this time it was her prey instinct kicking in the overdrive telling her to get away.

But is there really any point on dwelling what she feels towards Sayo? Now that she ruined something they worked to build together for months in an instant?

Tsugumi can only sigh and get back to work- after all, a bitter thought appears in her head, that’s the only thing she’s good for. She wasn’t meant for Sayo to hold, no matter how much she might have wished otherwise.

**_________________________________________________________________**

‘Tsugu? Are you alright? You’ve been real spaced out recently…’ Himari’s caring tone is what shakes Tsugumi out of her troubling thoughts.

‘Ah! Uh, yeah! Yeah, I’m… fine Himari-chan, just-just a bit tired that’s all, haha~.’

Tsugumi cringes at how unconvincing she sounds; she wouldn’t fool a casual acquaintance much less a lifelong friend. But perhaps she could buy herself just enough time to duck out of sight when the opportunity arises. Tsugumi hates worrying her friends more than anything- but she also does not want to, _can not_ tell them the source of her worries.

First off, while she appreciates how much they all care for her, she knows if she told them what has transpired between her and Sayo they would all rally together and march to Hanasakigawa gates to capture and make Sayo pay for the unforgivable crime of making Tsugumi cry. And while Sayo is strong and capable of defending herself, she doesn’t stand a chance against pack of animals with bonds that were forged back when they all were just kits, joeys, pups and kittens.

Second of, she doesn’t like to burden other animals about her problems. That’s one of reasons she so often ends up taking on more than she can manage, causing her friends problems when she finally reaches the point she can’t go on anymore, which makes her feel bad and feeling like she’s failing behind again and so the vicious circle continues.

Point is, she doesn't want to trouble her friends. (Un)fortunately for her, her friends care very much for her and now will inevitably try to grill her about her worries.

Tsugumi can't waste any time now; if there was a good side to her being a small rodent it was how fast and flexible she could be. Losing her friends wouldn’t be that hard of a task. And sure, she feels bad about doing this but not bad enough to stop.

She picks up her keyboard case while addressing her friends:

‘Our time here is up, right? We should get going, we don’t want to inconvenience anyone who has their band practice after us-‘

‘We are last one’s today though~.’

‘AH?!’

As Tsugumi lands with a resounding thud on the floor she groans internally: of course her attempt at making her exit had to be thwarted by a certain opossum who decided now was an excellent time to play her favourite game: scare your bandmates by suddenly dangling in front of them.

‘Geez, Moca-chan! What was that for?!’

‘Well~, it seemed like Tsugu was about to leave poor Moca-chan on her own~. So of course, I’ve interfered.’ Moca is wearing her smuggest expression as she climbs down from a mic stand meant for taller animals. Honestly, it’s amazing how she was still able to hang by her tail, even if only for a short time.

‘You wouldn’t be on your own! Literally everyone else are still here.’ Tsugumi has a higher than average tolerance for mocantics but even she has her limits. Which got notably shorter once Moca interrupted her get-away plan.

‘Moca. Don’t bother Tsugumi. And don’t climb on a mic we aren’t even using. I don’t want to pay for the maintenance on something almost none of us can reach on our own.’ 

Seems like the ruckus they have caused was enough for Ran to stop her conversation with Tomoe. Now even the latter was obviously curious what was going on, tilting her head (the motion reminding Tsugumi of Sayo at worst of times) and looking at the group from the back. Great, now there was no way for Tsugumi to make her exit without drawing everyone’s attention. Good job, Moca.

‘Raaaaan, you are so mean! Poor Moca-chan can’t take this anymore~ Tsugu, help me~!’ Tsugumi can clearly see another universe where instead of proposing they all make a band together, she proposes to join a theatre club, with how Moca is currently draping over her, as if they are playing a last scene before the curtain falls on them. Maybe she should mention to Seta-senpai that her band has a future theatre star in the making and to please take her out of their hands. Though, Afterglow can’t exist without Moca so this idea is going to get stashed away in the corner of Tsugumi’s brain.

Processing to ignore Moca whining Ran turns to face Tsugumi ‘She hasn’t bothered you too much? Just say a word and I’ll take care of her.’

‘Ahaha, no, it’s okay. She just… surprised me.’ Her fingers have started unconsciously scratching her cheek, a habit she wishes she could broke but no dice so far.

Ran smiles at that, though there’s still a shade of worry on her face. Tsugumi… hasn’t been doing so well these past few days and everyone could tell.

‘So, how about we all head to some restaurant before we head home? We haven’t done that in a while, right?’ Ran’s wary smile would normally warm Tsugumi’s heart, with how the aloof feline still feels embarrassed about showing affection to her life-long friends but now…

Augh. Tsugumi real wanted to avoid an after practices restaurant meeting because it was plainly obvious that it would end up as an excuse to corner her and ask what the hell been up with her. And she’s too nice to simply say no to face, which is why she wanted to slip out unnoticed but _someone_ had to throw a wrench in her plan. Well, it looks like she has to prepare her mind for a very exhausting interrogation at a local family restaurant-

However, Tsugumi’s train of thoughts was interrupted by a certain white furred opossum:

‘Ah, actually me and Tsugu have already agreed to go to Yamabuki’s bakery together so we can’t go. Sorry for depriving you of our delightful company but duty calls~.’

** _What. _ **

Moca has an audacity (_the audacity!!!_) to turn to her and wink. So, that was Moca’s plan all along, huh? Tsugumi sighs but part of her is grateful; she been in a daze like state ever since she ran away from Sayo that day. Perhaps, just perhaps, this trip to a bakery she just got roped into would serve as a bucket of a cold water, an antidote to the daze she has found herself in.

**_________________________________________________________________**

.

..

…

…shouldn’t Moca be drilling her for information right about now?

Tsugumi was so sure that Moca’s plan was to get her all alone and then prod her what has been eating at her, but so far their walk to the bakery has been mostly silent, with the occasional hums from Moca being the only background sound.

But wait, perhaps this was a trap? Maybe the rest of Afterglow were on it the entire time and now Moca is trying to lull her into false sense of security before she traps Tsugumi with the rest of Afterglow …somewhere and then proceed with the interrogation? Though, wouldn’t it just be simpler to corner her after the practise was over? Was it some high level psychologic play she hasn’t heard about?

So preoccupied Tsugumi was with her thoughts she hasn’t even noticed that they have already reached their destination.

‘Tsugu~, what bun do you want?’ the way Moca asked her, as if it truly was a day ‘same as always’. Perhaps it truly was… except there’s a hole in Tsugumi’s chest where her heart is supposed to be.

‘Oh, I’m fine with anything real!’

‘Fufu, anything bun coming up~. How about you wait on that bench over there, Tsugu?’ Moca points at a nearby bench, somehow out of sight. _Ahh_, Tsugumi thinks, _so this is how this is going to play out_. Well, no use trying to escape now. She just has to brave through this.

**…**

‘…so Tsugu, how is it going with a big bad wolf with Roselia?’ Despite Tsugumi pumping herself for the inevitable question, she still chokes on her food.

_Cough! _‘M-moca-chan! Don’t ask me about something like that while I am eating! And don’t call Sayo-san that! She’s real nice once you get to know her…’ her voice dies down as she goes on, mortified at how easily she started to praise Sayo. Uuuugh, she’s way too easy to goad for her own good.

‘Perhaps… but I mean, you were so excited about your date on Sunday and then come Monday and you are all mopey. Ran wanted to go all the way to Hanasakigawa and give Sayo her piece of mind but we all stopped her.’ How Moca managed to say all of this while steadily chewing on her bun is a riddle that will forever go on unanswered.

‘Ran-chan wanted to do what…?’ Tsugumi sighs once again this day. Of course, it was rather foolish to think that Afterglow wouldn’t have a good idea what was a cause of her gloominess: she didn’t kept her outings with Sayo a secret at all. There was no reason to after all. Even if it ended up with the rest of Afterglow teasing her over how obvious her crush was.

Tsugumi grimaces ‘Sayo-san… Sayo-san did nothing wrong. I just… I’ve messed up and now I have no idea how to fix it.’

Moca hums at that. ‘Did you confess?’

‘N-no! It’s not that, it’s…’ Tsugumi swallows. She doesn’t know if she’s ready to admit what has happened last weekend.

‘Aaaah, so it’s not ‘love confession rejection’ blues after all… Good, good so after you make up you can get that lone wolf all for yourself.’

‘S-stop it, Moca-chan…’ Tsugumi’s tone sounds serious enough that Moca gives her an apologetic look. ‘I- she may not even want to see me anymore.’

‘Mmmmhm, Moca-chan wouldn’t be so sure. I feel like you would have to destroy her guitar or something for her to hate you. You know, Lisa-san let’s a lot stuff slip out. Like the fact a certain wolf girl talks all the time about a cute squirrel girl she’s seeing~.’

‘Mo-ca-chan! Don’t tease me like this!’

‘Sorry, sorry~. But I am not lying. Sayo-san clearly likes you, a lot.’

‘I-! Even if you are somehow right, wouldn’t it be, you know…’

‘Don’t know~.’

‘Augh! I mean, don't you think it's weird? …Sayo-san's a wolf and I am… just a small squirrel. I-I don’t think we would fit together even if I was born a wolf…'

At that Moca laughs, but it's that rare (for Moca, at least) kind of laugh. Not a mocking one, nor a prelude to one of Moca remarks, accompanied by a smirk. It was a laugh only friends who were through hell and back could share together.

'Tsugu~ you very own Moca-chan is dating a certain dashing feline lady, you real think we would judge you for indulging in a forbidden carnivore herbivore romance?'

Tsugumi blushes at that. 'No! That's not what it's about--! I mean, yours and Ran-chan's height difference is not as great as mine and Sayo-san, so that would be an issue--'

‘Hi-chan and Tomochin make do though.’ _Point taken._

‘B-but-!’

‘Tsugu,’

Tsugumi’s voice of protest dies as Moca embraces her. Oh... Moca's hugs aren't particularly warm- her body temperature is pretty low for a mammal. But right now it feels like being enveloped in a warm blanket during a cold winter morning. That was what lifelong friendship felt like.

‘Tsugu,' Moca says, softly, without her characteristic jokey tone 'I dunno what happened between you and Sayo-san, but I know it made you sad. And that won't do. That won’t do at all.'

‘It’s-it’s not Sayo-san fault it’s—!’ Tsugumi’s words in defence of Sayo die as she has to choke back her tears. She can only say these few words before she descends into a sobbing mess.

All while Moca is holding her like Tsugumi’s life depends on it and, in a way, it may as well be.

…

‘Hmmmm, so that’s the deal, huh?’ after bawling her eyes out, Tsugumi didn’t had it in her to pretend that nothing was going on. Plus, Moca was kind enough to lend her a shoulder to cry on, Tsugumi owned her at least an explanation, right? So, she recounted how her last encounter with Sayo went to Moca, while the latter was being uncharacteristically silent. No snide remarks, no jokes. Just a warm presence when Tsugumi needed it.

‘You should reach out to her, you know.’

‘Eh?’ at that remark Tsugumi stops wiping her eyes.

‘Well, Moca-chan doesn’t know that Sayo-san girl that well~. Not like a certain hardworking squirrel,’ it seems that Moca’s trademarked smug voice and face were making a comeback after a lull ‘but from what you’ve told me, she seems like a reserved, cold beauty type… so I can’t real see her reaching out first to you.’

‘S-sayo-san is nice though-!’ god, Tsugumi is super grateful for Moca’s help thus far but now that Tsugumi is feeling better Moca _can not_ hold back her jester tendencies anymore, can she?

‘I’m sure she is~. Especially to our beloved Tsugu~ After all, none can resist your charm,’ and there it was, Moca’s smug smile was once again displayed in full glory on her face ‘I mean, you had a whole harem in middle school, didn’t you Tsugu~?’

‘Augh, it-it wasn’t a harem!’ Tsugumi whines ‘‘ you all just happened to have small crushes on me at the same time...'

'Just like in harem manga~' clearly, Moca is making up the time she spend being a caring friend by being twice as obnoxious as usual.

‘Geez, Moca-chan! Give it a rest already!’ Moca’s snorting now and Tsugumi’s realizes with great embarrassment that she must have puffed up her cheeks. _Embarrassing, embarrassing!!! _

‘Heh, I see Tsugu is still gonna to deny her tsugurific lady-killing tricks~’ Moca still has her prankster face on but when she says next sentence her face softens ‘But I think it’s a high time you called your ladyfriend and talked things out, isn’t it? I’m sure it will all work but you have to make the first step.’ Ah. So that’s why her face looked so soft all of the sudden.

‘But! Wouldn’t it be both weird a-and rude to contact her out of blue after what happened…? I… don’t want to make our relationship even worse than it already is…’ Tsugumi’s ears flatten and her eyes start getting teary again but suddenly she feels a soft hand on her head.

Moca is looking at her, with that look she sometimes has (usually concerning Ran), a look that was a bit melancholic but also soft. She never looks less and more like herself in these rare moments. Tsugumi’s breath hitches and gosh, she’s real gonna to cry again, won’t she?

‘Well, someone has to take the first step and doesn’t our Tsugu is the one always pulling us into new things?’ Moca’s headpats relax her in this otherwise nerve-wracking situation ‘So, instead pulling others into new stuff can’t you do it for yourself just for once?’

‘…what if she rejects me though?’ Tsugumi can’t bare the mere thought of that; it’s enough for her to shed a few tears ‘Wh-what if she thinks I am weird o-or creepy and that she doesn’t ever want to see me again—’

Before Tsugumi can spiral even further in her disaster thinking Moca interrupts her ‘We’ll think about it once we get there, no use worrying about it beforehand~’ while saying this, Moca started nuzzling up against Tsugumi.

_Aaaaah, this is nostalgic,_ Tsugumi thought, as her mind played memories of everyone in Afterglow falling asleep after spending all day tree climbing. It was the standard playtime for them, with how three of five belonged to species that were naturally real good at climbing things. Himari and Tomoe weren’t as natural gifted in the art of tree climbing as these three (well, Himari mostly; the French lop was clearly not meant to climb anything that was more than twice her height; Tomoe wasn’t natural but got the gist of it pretty fast). Tsugumi can’t count how many sunsets they have saw high up in the tree; these precious memories made up her sweet childhood with her friends.

‘I think you are selling yourself short, Tsugu. You are an amazing girl and anyone would be lucky to have you. Heck, Moca-chan herself would hit that if she wasn’t already taken by a charming feline,’ at that Tsugumi snorts ‘but whatever happens Afterglow will have your back. We’ll always have your back, you know that?’

Tsugumi wipes the few remaining stray tears on her cheeks ‘I know.’

Moca smiles at that, and it’s the first smile this afternoon that feels like it’s not just to make Tsugumi feel better ‘And if a certain wolf rejects you, the Afterglow gang will beat some sense into her~.’

‘Please don’t.’ Tsugumi laughs.

Tonight is the first time in few days her heart feels light.

**_________________________________________________________________**

** _Yawn._ **

Sayo wishes the thunder would strike her right now, right there.

She’s hasn’t been getting much sleep after how her last outing with Tsugumi ended and it looks like her body couldn’t hide her sleepiness any longer.

During Roselia band practise to boot. Truly, this has not been her week.

‘Sayo,’ Yukina’s voice cuts through the air, ‘you are getting enough rest, right? We need you in top form. Nothing good will come out from you overexerting yourself. ’

Direct, as always. Of course, that’s just how Yukina expressed her concern for others. They were similar in this regard. Even if they’ve belonged to biological families that were supposedly rivals they’ve got along real well. Still, people not already familiar with Roselia were often visibly shocked at a mix matched band.

But any misgivings were quickly dispelled once they’ve heard their sound. Sayo never felt more like herself while standing on the scene, her body feeling like she just run a marathon, just after finishing their last song for the day and the milliseconds between the last chord of the song and the deafening applause of the crowd. That moment made all the blood and sweat from guitar practise worth it.

Sayo coughs, still feeling the embarrassment from earlier. ‘I assure you, I am getting enough rest. I simply had a harder time falling asleep today and thus got less sleep than I needed.’

The look Yukina gives her says ‘I can see through your bullshit’ but she doesn’t press it any further.

‘We are done for today,’ Yukina addresses everyone in Roselia ‘our next session is two days from now. Be there.’

With a grace benefiting even the largest of felines, Yukina jumps down the stool she was standing on.

(Sayo didn’t real understand why Yukina insisted on using the mic that was meant for animals of Sayo statue and not a one made for someone closer to Yukina’s size during practise but she wasn’t going to pry into this any further. At the very least Yukina used a properly sized mic during their concerts. It would be kind of hard to be taken serious as a band if their leader preformed on a stool.)

While Sayo pondered the ins and outs of Yukina’s mic situation, the rest of her bandmates heeded to Yukina’s words and started packing things up. Lisa has joined Yukina and was talking to her about something with her usual enthusiasm. To a bystander it might have looked like Lisa was talking Yukina’s ears off while the latter ignored her but knowing these two for quite some time now, Sayo knew that Yukina was listening carefully to every word that fell from Lisa’s lips.

Meanwhile, Ako was off helping Rinko pack up her things while (most likely) talking about latest NFO update. Well, it was better said that Ako _tried _to help Rinko pack, but with how overexcited she was getting over whatever NFO thing she was talking about she was making things harder for poor, poor Rinko.

Sayo wonders how their first meeting must have went: it probably wasn’t a far stretch to imagine Rinko being terrified when her online friend, one year younger, turned out to be a not only bigger animal than her but also one that wasn’t finished growing. And with how easily Ako could get overexcited the poor raccoon girl would easily be overwhelmed. Sayo chuckles at imaginary Rinko and Ako’s first meeting, before clearing her throat. She doesn’t need any more attention from her bandmates today.

But as she packs her own things up, she can’t help but look with envy at her friends and how easy interspecies relationships seemed for them. Well, Yukina and Lisa were both felines, even if they were not from the same genus, so that definitely made communication easier.

However, Ako and Rinko were starkly different animals; in size, in family, even though they’ve both were usually classified as carnivores, raccoons weren’t exactly known as dangerous predators that dogs could be. But they got along better than many same species friends.

Aaaah, Sayo wonders, if she was an outgoing, happy-go-lucky wolf, would hers and Tsugumi relationship be better? It seemed like Tsugumi got along well with Hina after all…

…and now she was yet again stuck thinking how much better Hina was at everything, even at interacting with a girl Sayo liked. Seems like she would never truly escape from Hina’s shadow.

‘Sayo-san? Are you real okay?’ Ah. While she was off in her own la-la land Ako has come over to her side to check up on her, with Rinko hovering around the studio door, looking unsure about her friend’s decision to bother Sayo.

‘Yes, I am quite alright, Udagawa-san.’ Sayo sighs. ‘I’ve just didn’t get enough sleep. I’m a bit tired, that’s all.’

‘Hmmm, is that so…’ Ako doesn’t seem convinced by Sayo’s assurance (no one seems to buy her excuses. Maybe she real should learn how to lie better, even if it does go against her moral code). ‘Do you think it’s a seasonal thing? ‘cause Tsuguchin also been real tired these past few days.’

The casual mention of Tsugumi’s name hits Sayo like a 10t anvil.

Ako, thank god, doesn’t seem to notice Sayo’s reaction and simply continues thinking out loud. ‘Apparently, ever since last Sunday she’s been real tired all the time and distracted. She seems to be depressed…’

Ah.

_Of course._

Of course Sayo’s not the only one hurting. In her preoccupation with herself she didn’t even thought about how Tsugumi was feeling.

Some friend she is.

‘Did-did,’ Sayo swallows, afraid of the possibility of Tsugumi telling Afterglow about that ‘mean, bad wolf from Roselia’ and them then being responsibly angry at Sayo, deciding to put a bounty on Sayo’s head. Soon, law enforcements will head to CiRCLE during Roselia’s band practise to arrest Sayo and lock her up in a deepest, darkest cell they have ‘did Hazawa-san said why she’s been down lately?’

‘Nah, she didn’t,’ Ako frowns, ‘sis said Tsuguchin is not telling them at all what’s going on and they are all worried…’

_Oh_, Sayo thinks, _so Hazawa-san didn’t tell Afterglow what had happened after all_. She wants to scold herself- Tsugumi is too nice, too kind to ever bring up something like what had happened few days ago. She probably blames herself, too. Sayo groans in her mind; now she added another item to her internal ‘Hikawa Sayo fuck-ups’ list: not having faith in Tsugumi.

‘Ah!’ suddenly Ako’s ears perk up as if she came up with the most brilliant idea ever ‘Sayo-san! This is it!’

‘What…?’

‘You and Tsuguchin are close right? Maybe whatever is bothering her is something that’s hard to tell Afterglow but she could tell you!’ Ako proclaims excited.

_Oh no_. Well, Sayo has a pretty good idea what was bothering Tsugumi since she was the very wolf responsible for said state.

Sayo is starting to feel a bit too hot. ‘I… don’t think that’s a good idea, Udagawa-san…’

‘Huh? Why not?’ Ako is tilting her head and in that moment Sayo is real reminded of Hina; her sister was always a dog-like wolf and interacting with one that was a younger sister as well only served to affirm Sayo’s suspicion that Hina was a dog wearing wolf suit.

‘Because, uh, well…’ she has no excuse nor a good lie on hand. There is only her and Ako, an overexcited pup who will not rest until she gets the answer from Sayo.

Ako is practically in her face now, eyes brimming with curiosity but also… concern? It looks like there will be no escape for Sayo this time.

‘Ako,’ but, as it turns out, Sayo’s salvation comes in form of an lynx with a gentle aura putting her paw on Ako’s shoulder ‘if Sayo doesn’t want to talk about this we shouldn’t make her. It’ll only make her feel worse.’

‘_’Imai-san…_’’ as Sayo is observing Lisa gently trying to pry Ako away from grilling Sayo about what had happened between her and Tsugumi, Sayo flashes back to a thought she had few days before, when she walked home alone after lashing out at Tsugumi. ‘_’I thought I had changed, at least a little bit.._’’.

Well, she must have changed after all, seeing what she says next.

‘Um, actually… Imai-san, Udagawa-san, can we… talk about this somewhere else?’

Old Sayo would probably drown all alone in her self-loathing but little by little she had learned something about sharing life’s burdens with others. Thanks to everyone in Roselia, thanks to Hina and-- thanks to Hazawa-san… her life has started getting brighter and brighter every day.

A while later, when they tell Yukina and Rinko they are going to a café and during their walk there, with the casual banter between Lisa and Ako drowning out rest of the sounds she thinks:

_I guess I am a lone wolf no longer._

**_________________________________________________________________**

Sayo has to ask. Even if it’s not a topic she wants to talk about seeing how uncomfortable it makes her she won’t be able to move on if she doesn’t breach the topic. And Hina, despite how cold Sayo was to her for _years_ always had her back. Hina wouldn’t judge her for her flaws. She knows it.

And didn’t she already stepped out of her comfort zone earlier today, during the talk with Imai-san and Udagawa-san?

_‘Hmmm, so you’ve been self-conscious how to act around Tsugumi and because of that you’ve accidently lashed out during your last outing, is that the gist of it?’ Lisa is tapping her finger to her mouth, pouring over what Sayo has just told her._

_‘I-I didn’t said it was Hazawa-sa-‘ Sayo wants to protest; she went far and above to make sure she described the situation in the vaguest of terms, only mentioning the fact that she’s been getting friendlier with a small herbivore and that she worries that she could prove to be a hazard to them. No mention of species, gender and especially no mentions of having gruesome dreams coupled with a high chance of having a crush on small herbivore in question._

_‘Sayo… Tsugumi is literally the only small herbivore you hang out in private. And don’t try to lie and say it’s someone we don’t know, we all know you are too social withdrawn for that’ Lisa’s stare is kind and she obviously isn’t mad at Sayo or anything but Sayo still feels like she’s being scolded by her mom. **Ugh**. She should have known better than try to conceal the truth from Lisa out of all animals. She’s too good at reading others._

_‘Okay, then let’s say that Hazawa-san is the small herbivore I have acted inappropriately towards. How will that help you with giving me advice on what to do?’ she feels uneasy being so open, but she has to do this. Things won’t get any better if she doesn’t try to make them better._

_Lisa laughs. ‘I mean, knowing exactly with who we are dealing with helps out a lot, haha. It’s kind of hard to give a good advice when you know nothing about the other person.’_

_Sayo sighs. ‘Well, it was rather foolish of me to think I could truly conceal something from you.’_

_‘Ahaha, you flatter me too much, Sayo~.’_

_Lisa goes back to sipping on her drink but is clearly mauling over Sayo’s confession and Ako is fidgeting in her spot, likely unsure what to say. Thinking about it now, perhaps this wasn’t the best idea to ask these two for advice regarding her situation. They all may have fangs and claws but Sayo is bigger, way more dangerous than either of them. If she was a smaller carnivore, her and Tsugumi’s relationship would be easier; if her hands weren’t the size of Tsugumi’s head she could hold her without a worry; if her fangs weren’t so big she could—_

_‘-yo? Sa-yo? You alright?’ _

_Ack. Keep it together, Sayo! Don’t get lost in what-if fantasises while your relationship with your crush is on line!!!_

_‘Y-yeah, I’m alright? You were saying?’_

_‘Well, a good standard advice would be for you to just have an honest talk with her but that’s pretty vague, isn’t it?’ Lisa taps her on her chin. ‘I can understand a lot of your anxieties about friendship with herbivores but um, wouldn’t it be better to discuss this with a carnivore closer to your size? Aaaah, not like I am not grateful you’ve chosen to talk to us, I mean!’_

_‘Y-yeah! We may not full understand your situation Sayo-san but we will support you and Tsuguchin both!’ Ako’s enthusiastic voice warms Sayo’s heart, and now she wants to laugh at how ridiculous and inconceivable this situation would have looked like to her from last year._

_She gets so swept in the discussion with Lisa and Ako she doesn’t notice the time slipping by._

_‘Ah!’ the yelp Ako uttered felt as if both Sayo and Lisa were doused in a cold water ‘It’s getting real late and I am supposed to run a dungeon together with Rinrin! I need to go, sorry Sayo-san, Lisa-nee!’ by the time Ako is finishing saying that she’s already out of the door. And that leaves Sayo and Lisa alone. _

_‘Aaaah, there she goes~. Well, we should be going soon too, right?’ Sayo simply nods: while she became much more social over the past year it’s not like her personality made a complete U-turn. She will probably always be a bit standoffish._

_After splitting the bill they leave the restaurant and are about to say goodbye when Lisa says:_

_‘Sayo, um, I didn’t mention it before but how about you talk about your situation with Tsugumi with another large carnivore? I mean, they would understand you much better than me and Ako, so…’_

_Sayo’s ears perk up. ‘That’s not a bad idea but… it’s not like I know that many animals, not to mention other large carnivores, well enough to just… ask about something like this. There’s Tomoe-san but she’s from Afterglow so-‘_

_‘There’s Hina.’_

_Sayo freezes. Oh. Oh, right._

_There’s Hina_

_Lisa fidgets, clearly feeling uneasy both by approaching this topic and by Sayo’s reaction._

_‘I… know you’ve only started up patching things up recently but… out of everyone you know, she’s the one who will understand you best.’_

_It’s getting too hot, even though the weather outside is chilly. Sayo swallows but before she can even open her mouth to replay, Lisa puts her hand on hers and says:_

_‘I’m not going to force you to talk with her, but… she won’t judge you. She loves you so much, Sayo and you know it. So… please try to talk to her about this, okay?’_

Hina is currently tapping away at her phone, her tail wagging happily. She’s a picture of canine ideal at this moment but Sayo knows it’s now or never. She won’t be able to do this any other time.

So she asks:

‘Hina… how well do you get along with Shirasagi-san?’

‘Huh? Chisato-chan?’ Hina replies, while looking up with whatever new mobile game she was playing and would inevitably end up getting bored off after climbing to the tops of leaderboards. ‘We get along well~’ she drawls ‘but why do you ask? Oh, oh, was she talking about me in school?’ apparently the idea of Shirasagi Chisato talking with her big sister about Hina was enough to make stars appear in the latter’s eyes.

‘A-ah, no, she hasn’t mentioned you as far as I can recall…’ damn it, Sayo doesn’t like lying but now that she admits that no, she’s not asking because of something Shirasagi-san said Hina will inevitably grill her on why she’s asking.

‘What? Aaaaaw!!!’ the way Hina’s ears drop make her look more like a very large dog rather than a proud common wolf ‘And here I hoped she would talk about me with you~! Like I do with Lisachii!’

Sayo’s brow twitches at that remark. Knowing both Lisa and Hina there’s no way there weren’t discussing some very, _very_ embarrassing things. _Get back on the track, get back on the track_…

‘I am not saying we don’t ever talk about you, just that it wasn’t what caused me to ask you this’ Sayo takes a big breath ‘It’s just… she’s herbivore.’

‘…? Hehe, she sure is one!’ the laughter is loud as always. ‘Mmmmm, you know, at the beginning she said some very rude things about carnivores! She was all like ‘I bet you if I offered you one of my legs, you’d drool and say yes to anything I could ask of you’ but she’s nice now!’

‘…Shirasagi-san said what- actually, never mind, this is not what I’ve wanted to talk about.’ Sayo can’t say how she feels about this information and despite Chisato feeling a bit distant from most people she doesn’t seem like a person who would say something like that but Hina doesn’t lie. Or, she does, but is super obvious about that and never about serious topics. But she didn’t approach Hina to talk about Shirasagi Chisato’s herbivore-carnivore politics but to ask about… about-!

‘Hina,’ she starts ‘do you ever-‘ she has to stop for a moment to swallow a lump in her throat ‘_’You can do it Sayo, you have to do this. For Hazawa-san’s sake._’’

‘Do I ever what?’ Hina looks at Sayo with curiosity, with her head tilted and once again Sayo had to wonder if her sister wasn’t a part dog after all.

‘…do you ever… feel the urge to… to eat Shirasagi-san?’ ‘_’It’s done’’_ Sayo thinks. Logically, she knows Hina would never, ever reject her but she’s never been so worried, so stressed out as right now. It’s all up to Hina now.

‘…do I want to eat Chisato-chan?’ Hina frowns while repeating the question ‘No…? I mean, I want to kiss her sometimes but these are two pretty different things!’ she finally exclaims with typical Hina enthusiasm.

_What. _

‘I mean, I also want to kiss Aya-chan but hmmm, she’s not exactly a 100% herbivore so this may be irrelevant to what you are asking me about…’ not giving Sayo any moment to process a bombshell she had just dropped, Hina processes to drop yet another.

‘I- what does wanting to kiss your band members has anything to do with what I have just asked you?’ Sayo is perplexed- her sister has just admitted she’s fantasising about kissing two of her band’s members without care in the world. At the very least she supposes she doesn’t have to worry about coming out as a lesbian to Hina now (though, seeing as she had no problem at all switching from saying ‘bro’ to ‘sis’, when even the most well-meaning people slipped here and there at the beginning, she supposes she never real had to worry. Not like emotions are a logical thing, sadly).

‘Huh? I mean, the both involve mouth so aren’t they similar?’ somehow, Hina is the one who has the audacity of looking at Sayo as if she asked the most obvious question in the world.

‘H-how on earth are they similar?’ Sayo feels like a headache is coming and not from a reason she has expected. ‘One is something done between two animals in love the other one is-is…!’ She can’t even voice the thought- Sayo thought she was prepared for this talk before but now she feels like she never will be ready.

Sayo is starting to see dark around her eyes. She thought she could do this but--! Voicing what she’s been going through seems like an Sisyphean task. She can’t do this, she should have not tried to do this, she can’t, _she can’t-!_

‘I-. I’m sorry Hina, for asking you such a strange question, forget it-‘ as she says this while getting up, a hand reaches out to hold hers.

‘Sis…?’ Hina’s voice sounds so scared, as if she’s afraid she might have angered Sayo by her action and that breaks Sayo’s heart. Even if she would (gladly) spend her whole life atoning for all these years her self-hate has consumed her and jeopardized hers and Hina’s relationship it doesn’t feel like it will be enough. It will never be enough.

‘Sis, I… don’t know what’s going on and why are you asking me all these questions but… please don’t leave. I-I don’t know if I can help you but if there’s something you want to talk about I’ll listen.’ Hina pleads.

Her eyes, so similar to Sayo’s yet so different are what finally breaks Sayo.

She gets back on sofa and with trembling voice tells Hina everything that’s been eating away at her. Her blood-stained dreams, the butterflies she gets when she thinks of Tsugumi, the all-consuming worry any time her body is in close contact with Tsugumi… and the unfortune date(?) last Sunday.

All the while Hina is patiently sitting and listening to Sayo’s confession. It clearly is taking a lot for her not to interrupt every two words to comment or to question Sayo but she’s clearly trying so, so hard for Sayo. Despite the situation Sayo’s in it warms her heart seeing how much Hina loves her.

‘…I see. Um, I knew you liked Tsugu-chan but I didn’t knew you thought about eating her… does explain what these nightmares were about though…’ Hina is very visibly trying to come up with a good answer to the load of information Sayo has just told her. Even if she was ‘a genius’, ‘a next Beastar for sure!’ it’s not like that made her especially good at relationships.

Though, it looks like everyone were painfully aware about her feelings for Tsugumi were on a un-platonic. That’s… extremely embarrassing.

‘Hm, I can’t real see you hurting Tsugu-chan, though! You care too much about her to hurt her like that.’

‘It… it doesn’t matter what I feel towards her, an animal like me being close to a fragile creature like her is —’ Sayo’s voice breaks. She has to stop for a moment before she continues.

‘I-I care so much for Hazawa-san and I never felt this way towards anyone and I want to protect her but—’ her voice dies out again.

‘But?’ Hina gently prods her.

‘But-but I am so scared’ Sayo feels something hot and wet land on her hand and realizes she’s crying ‘t-that I won’t be able to control myself and-and I’ll do something terrible, I-!’

A warm paw, so similar yet so different from Sayo’s finds its way on her shoulder. Despite shame of being seen in such a pathetic state by her little sister Sayo looks up.

Hina…

Hina has the most gentle eyes Sayo has ever seen her have. Not the star filled gaze she had so, so often but eyes that expressed deep, gentle love.

‘Sis’ Hina starts ‘you won’t do anything terrible to Tsugu-chan. I know that.’

‘But-!’ Sayo wants to protest but her speech is cut short by Hina giving her a gentle but still a firm look that said ‘it’s my turn to talk’.

‘Sis, I-I know you often feel like you are not good enough a-and that it is partially my fault but- but! You are waaaay stronger than you think you are!!!’ As if to emphasize her point Hina stretches her arms wide.

‘I know you want to deny this but you care so much about others. Even if you go about it in roundabout way, you want to help your friends so, so much! I’ve-I’ve said before that I talk about you with Lisachi, right?’ Sayo nods.

‘A-and! She always talks about how, even though you deny it anytime she brings this up, you do your best to help out everyone in Roselia. How you bake cookies together to keep up the morale or how you help Ako-chan with her homework or that you join her and Rinko-san’s party in NFO…’ Hina trails off.

‘My point is,’ she holds Sayo’s left hand between hers ‘you are a kind, gentle wolf. I know it. Everyone who _real_ knows you know it. Tsugu-chan knows it. Even if a part of you is a feral wolf who hungers for meat I know you can tame it.’

‘Hina--!’ Sayo doesn’t feel she deserves this kindness, this faith from Hina or anyone but she know better now than to reject it. So instead she pulls Hina in a tight hug, something she has sorely missed all these years their relationship was strained. After the initial surprise Hina embraces her wholeheartedly. They stay like this, bundled together for what seems like an eternity, with Sayo’s soft sobs and the beating of their hearts being the only sounds they could hear.

‘Please talk with Tsugu-chan about this, sis.’ Hina whispers when they finally separate, before their parents come back home. ‘I’m sure if you talk this out you can figure things out.’

Despite the feeling of fatigue, both from her openness today and from crying so much, Sayo smiles. ‘Hina, when did you became a relationship expert?’

‘Eh? Sis, are you making fun of me? That’s so mean! Even I know the basics!’ it’s funny: just a moment ago they were both on the sofa, crying and now Sayo is poking fun at Hina while the latter is puffing up her cheeks.

‘Fufu, sorry.’

‘You are n~ot!’

**_________________________________________________________________**

A bright, blue light is shining on Tsugumi’s face. Her pads are hastily typing, deleting and retyping while her face is frozen in a scowl. How does one type out an apology to their carnivore friend for going out of line? Tsugumi tried to look it up on the internet but either it linked her to list of books, which, while may prove to BE actually helpful will take a bit to get here and she doesn’t want to prolong the situation she and Sayo have found themselves in, or forums full of contradictions. So she has to make do by herself.

Except she cannot come up with anything that sounds good enough to send. What could she possibly say that would be good enough?

Nothing comes to mind.

But she has to do this; even if her apology is rejected she _has _to reach out her hand to Sayo and say she’s sorry. She doesn’t want her first love to end on a record scratch. If her love cannot come true, at least she wants to face rejection with dignity.

So she gets back to work.

_Sayo-san,_

_I apologise for suddenly contacting you out of blue. I understand if you don’t wish to have any further contact with me but even if you don’t want to be friends any longer I would have a last selfish request that you read this message._

_I am so, so sorry for my actions during our last meeting. I know my actions have hurt you and for that I can never apologise enough. I never meant to hurt you but my intentions don’t real matter in the end. _

_I know this is an awkward thing to ask, seeing how our last meeting went, but could be meet up again? I want to apologise in person to you, Sayo-san, and not only over a message._

_There is also a fact… I haven’t be entirely honest with you, Sayo-san. I want us to face each other as two animals on an equal footing, even if it’s for the last time._

_If you don’t want me to contact you any further, feel free to block my number. I won’t judge for this._

_Thank you so much for reading this._

And then, looking her message up and down and deeming it decent enough, she hits ‘’send’’ with the same weight as one would have when pulling a gun’s trigger.

_It’s done._

Now it’s all up to Sayo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dramatis animalium:  
Hina- common wolf  
Aya- red panda  
Chisato-White-tailed deer
> 
> Lisa- Eurasian lynx  
Yukina- korat cat  
Rinko- racoon
> 
> Ako, Tomoe- german shepherd  
Tsugumi- Japanese squirrel  
Himari- French lop  
Moca- opposum  
Ran-Domestic short-haired cat
> 
> (Moca was originally supposed to be a cat as well but then I saw this tweet: https://twitter.com/Star_tDash/status/1181285993468416001 and was like '...I know what must be done.')
> 
> (Sayo mentions Hina switching from 'bro' to 'sis' cause I always write Sayo as trans girl and wanted to referenced it in-fic. It's a very minor thing here so I am not tagging it.)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand here we are. I can’t believe I have written this much! I was honestly thinking this entire fic would be 5000 words tops yet here we are.
> 
> For people who haven’t yet watched it; please watch BEASTARS OP https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bgo9dJB_icw the last 10 seconds were exactly what I’ve had in mind when talking about Sayo’s nightmares (plus, who doesn’t love stop-motion?) 
> 
> I’m real moved that people seem to like my writing- it’s been ages since I’ve done any creative writing and I never wrote a fic in my life before last summer. So this means a lot to me.
> 
> Again, shout-outs to @jaynestargaryen on twitter for drawing fanarts inspired by this fic: https://mobile.twitter.com/jaynestargaryen/status/1195004276789121035 https://mobile.twitter.com/jaynestargaryen/status/1189962319138152448 it means so, so much to me that someone was inspired enough by my writing to draw something from it. Enjoy this last chapter and see you in the end notes.

‘Ah!’ ‘Oh!’

This was… awkward, to say the least. Even more awkward than finally gathering up the courage to send a message saying she’s sorry and if it’s possible for the two of them to meet up to talk. Tsugumi was so, so relieved that Sayo’s fast replay was positive: when Tsugumi saw how fast the latter messaged her back she was convinced Sayo’s replay would be to never contact or even think of her again. But she agreed and here they were.

Standing and doing their best not to look at each other.

Hm.

In hindsight Tsugumi should have looked up ‘how to greet your friend/crush with whom the last meeting ended with one of you running off ’.

‘Um…uh, hi Sayo-san…?’

‘Eh?! Um, h-hello as well, Hazawa-san…’

…

……

………

Oh god, is this how the rest of their meeting will be like? Awkward, short sentences and then silence? They are real bad at this.

So bad in fact that Tsugumi can’t help but start giggling which transforms into full-on laughter at the absurdity of it all. Sayo’s expression is that of confusion at first, with her face tilted and ears up (cute!!! too cute!!!) but soon enough she joins Tsugumi with her restrained but still melodic laugh.

‘W-we are both bad at this, aren’t we?’ Tsugumi wipes her eye as she finally manages to get her laughter enough under control to talk.

‘Fufu. We real are.’ The way Sayo’s voice sounds right now feels akin to sensation of being enveloped in a warm hug. She’s smiling now, as opposed to moment ago and Tsugumi’s breath hitches. She’s so radiant right now, right here.

_Aaaah_, Tsugumi thinks, _I real have it bad, huh?_

‘Hazawa-san’ Sayo coughs, pulling Tsugumi out of her daydream ‘I am… very thankful for you’ve contacted me. Truth be told, I was thinking about reaching out to you but I had no idea how…’ She scratches her cheek in embarrassed, yet another gesture Tsugumi wants to take mind-photo of and tuck it away in her ‘Sayo-san’s super cute’ album.

‘But, um…’ her thoughts are once again interrupted ‘you’ve got nothing to apologise for, Hazawa-san. It was purely my fault.’

Oh.

In her excitement of finally seeing the girl she so sorely missed she has forgotten the reason they are meeting today.

‘But I—’

‘I won’t hear it,’ Sayo interrupts Tsugumi’s words of protest ‘whatever you may have asked me about, my reaction to it was inappropriate and rude. I should have simply say it was not a subject I’ve wanted to discuss instead at letting my emotions get better at me and shout at you.’

‘…’ Tsugumi isn’t sure what to say. This is not what she’s been expecting at all. Sure, logically she knows that even if Sayo was mad at her she express that… in a more proper way instead of more shouting at her but brains always like to imagine the worst case scenario.

But there’s one thing in Sayo’s words that puzzle her.

How could Sayo think this was her fault? Hers? When she simply reacted sensibly to both her question and her then trying to touch her out of blue?

Their friendship began when they’ve realised just how similar they were to each other but realizing it also extended to taking the blame when things go awry… well, it hurt.

‘…Sayo-san,’ Tsugumi starts, still unsure where her words will lead her ‘even if you did… overreact, it was my fault. It wasn’t… something I should have talked about in public. I-I don’t know what got in me then, haha…’

‘With all due respect, Hazawa-san, I still believe the fault lies with me-‘

‘No, no, it’s obviously _my_ fault-‘

‘No it’s mine-‘

At this moment they both stop, and just stare at each other. That lasts all but five seconds before they both start giggling yet again, before they let go of their restraints and the giggles morph into laughter once more. It’s amazing what being with Sayo does to her; in a normal circumstance Tsugumi would be mortified at laughing so hard in the middle of the day, on a busy street, with strangers giving her questioning glances but right now, right here? She doesn’t care one bit. Not when Sayo’s laughter is so melodic, so beautiful… it’s as if she’s listening to wind chime on a warm summer evening.

Finally, after what seems like ages, Sayo manages to stop laughing and clears her throat before saying ‘We are real similar, aren’t we?’

‘Y-yeah…’ Tsugumi’s breath hitches; Sayo is looking down on her with possibly the gentlest eyes she ever had. Tsugumi has always loved that gentle look Sayo sometimes had, the way her eyes softened, the subtle smile… She feels as if Sayo has pierced her heart with a love arrow all over again.

‘Then… allow me to say this, Hazawa-san.’ Taking a big breath, Sayo continues ‘even if I had legitimate reasons for being uncomfortable with what you’ve said to me, it does not excuse the way I’ve acted. And for that I can not apologise enough.’

What Sayo does next nearly makes Tsugumi drop her jaw on the floor in shock.

She bows before her.

A big wolf bows before a squirrel that’s just barely half her height and says:

‘I know a carnivore acting aggressively in a herbivore’s presence is a horrifying experience. Especially when we take in account our height difference. So let me apologise for scaring you at the very least.’

And just like that Sayo is back to her normal, just slight hunched position and is looking at Tsugumi, likely expecting a replay to her apology.

‘Ah, um, t-thank you… um!’ Tsugumi has to stop for a moment, racking her brain for a good answer ‘I’ll-I’ll accept your apology but only if you accept my apology for what I’ve said.’

At that, a scowl appears on Sayo’s face for a second; it doesn’t look like she’s very happy about Tsugumi apologising to her and for a moment it seems she’s opening her mouth to start arguing but decides against it at the very last moment.

Instead, Sayo lets out a sigh but it doesn’t sound like she’s fed up with Tsugumi: if anything it sounds like a fond one.

‘There’s nothing I can say that will convince you that you don’t need to apologise for anything, is there?’ Sayo’s smile is so soft and Tsugumi’s heart becomes full again.

‘There isn’t.’ Tsugumi smiles back at Sayo and prays she doesn’t look too dorky, with her front teeth being likely completely visible at that moment.

'Fufu, as expected of you, Hazawa-san. Very well, I accept.'

At that Tsugumi beams: she doesn’t even care now, if Sayo can see her front teeth. Seeing Sayo like this, smiling, looking at her with fondness after the turmoil of last week feels like a miracle.

A brief miracle, a bitter voice in the back of her head says, if today goes as she has planned.

Tsugumi can’t imagine Sayo responding to her confession with anything but rejection but she hopes it will be a gentle one. That Sayo will assert Tsugumi's virtues but say she sadly doesn’t feel the same way. Sayo will look awkward and embarrassed, no doubt, but will promise they can still be friends and then afterwards Tsugumi will come back home to cry over her first love ending, while listening to a soundtrack of one of romantic movies she had borrowed from Himari. Hopefully in few years time this will simply become a funny little anecdote she will be able to share with her friends and laugh.

Sayo must have sensed the change of mood because she looks at her with a look of concern in her eyes and her ears drop a bit (cute…).

She leans a bit and asks ‘I’m sorry, did I do something wrong again?’

‘A-ah, no you didn’t, I just got lost in my thoughts haha. Um, anyway what... should we do now?’

At that Sayo opens her mouth as if to say something but seemingly decides against it at the very last second.

‘Then,’ she starts ‘how about we get back to our original plan from last week? I want to know what cafe you’ve wanted to show me.’

Tsugumi thinks how unfair it is, how some animals are just born so insanely beautiful that even a slightest smile feels as if it could blind you the same way the sun does, but she isn’t hesitant when she replays:

‘Of course Sayo-san!’

_______________________________________________________________________

This was… nice. In her self-hate she had forgotten how calming just being together with Sayo was.

Maybe she was weird, seeing how comfortable she was feeling around her crush. After all, in manga, in movies, in books, _everywhere_ being in love meant being oh so, so nervous around the other person! But Tsugumi _liked_ how comfortable she felt around Sayo. Despite the wolf’s cold exterior appearance she real was just an awkward and kind teen girl as any other. She just had hard time showing it, that’s all. Her harshness to outside world was just a result of her being afraid of showing her weaknesses and Tsugumi was honoured that Sayo felt comfortable enough to show of her softer side to her, at least partially.

…and showing of her cute side as well. Tsugumi has to wonder how Sayo manages to fool girls at her school into thinking she’s some sort of a super serious, no-nonsense guardian dog with no sense of humour and who probably doesn’t know what ‘fun’ is, with how honest her tail and ears are.

‘Sa~yo-san~. If you want to visit the canine shop you can just say so~!’

At that observation Sayo’s tail goes from subtly wagging to sharply rising, as if it was a soldier who has just noticed a high ranking officer passing by ‘W-what? I-I wasn’t thinking of visiting it this time though…’

‘Then why was your tail wagging so much when you glanced at the shop display?’

Sayo flushes at that ‘I-! Hazawa-san! Stop teasing me!’

‘Sorry, sorry~.’ Tsugumi giggles ‘consider this a payback for that time you’ve teased me about acting like a salesclerk when we were picking up decorations.’ Sayo’s replay is only a vaguely grumpy sounding huff. _Adorable_.

Tsugumi hums ‘Real though, I don’t mind if you want to stop by that shop, I can wait outside.’

‘…it would be rude of me to just leave you outside like that while on our outing. Either we both come in or no one does.’ Sayo’s replay may have sounded harsh to outsiders ears but knowing Sayo as well as Tsugumi did at this point (or at least she hoped she did) this just was how she expressed her worry about others.

‘Wouldn’t be it kind of weird if a squirrel went in a shop meant for canines, though…?’

Sayo shakes her head at that ‘I’ve seen other animals go in to do some shopping on their own, and they had no problems. I’m sure it’ll be fine if you are with me.’

Somehow, Sayo saying ‘if you are with me’ and looking down at her, with that disarming smile of hers was enough for Tsugumi’s heart to start beating wildly.

_Ahhhh_, she thinks, _I real, **real** have it bad…_

And so they go together to the shop that advertised itself as having ‘’everything a member of Canidae family could want!’’. Their talk there is not something particularly memorable but it’s made out of that type of fluffy happiness that you bite in years later and, if you are a particularly sentimental person, may cause a tear appear in your eye. Soft moment that becomes fuzzy with age but when you remember it you realise ‘ahhh, this is why I love this person.’.

Tsugumi isn’t thinking this far ahead though- rather she lives in this moment. Looking at the very thoughtful face Sayo makes while deciding which furbrush she wants to buy, listening to her explanation of the difference between different types of claw trimmers… Sayo’s laughter at Tsugumi attempts at reaching a higher shelve in the small book selection the store has, and while the latter was still pouting Sayo goes ahead and picks up the book Tsugumi was eyeing, and gently offers it to Tsugumi. When Tsugumi accepts and reaches out to take the book out of Sayo’s hands, both of their hands touch each other, just barely, but enough to make both of them turn their heads in embarrassment.

Spending time with Sayo is so, so nice, and part of Tsugumi wants to forget, to bury the part in her message that said that Tsugumi wasn’t entirely honest with Sayo. To just… continue as they are, never changing, never making a move but still settling in a comfortable rhythm.

But if Tsugumi could believe in at least one of her good qualities, than she chooses her ability to start new things. Even if it was scary and unknown. So, even though her confession may put an end to this type of relationship she has with Sayo right now, she dares to hope that, perhaps, just perhaps, that the new one will be even better than the last.

When they go out the shop, with Sayo holding a modest bag, mostly consisting of various applications that pertained to canine hygiene with just _some_ things in the bag being suspiciously ball shaped (a fact Tsugumi was sure to point out to Sayo’s horror) Tsugumi has made up her mind.

She will face Sayo with everything she has. As carnivore to herbivore, as girl to girl, as animal to animal.

Whatever Sayo’s answer may be.

_______________________________________________________________________

It’s getting dark now, Sayo notices. Looks like hers and Tsugumi meeting??? date??? has been going for quite a few hours now. Soon, staying out will become way too dangerous for two high school girls. They need to start warping this up.

And that means Sayo’s confession is drawing near.

She gulps; of course, technically, she could just… never confess. Keep her dreams and a crush a secret, let them pass and the simply look back fondly on the memories of her first love. But that wouldn’t be fair to Tsugumi. Or herself, real.

Sayo opens her mouth to suggest stopping by a bench in a secluded area to rest when Tsugumi beats her to it.

‘Ah, do you want to rest Sayo-san? We’ve been walking for a while now so...’ Tsugumi awkwardly scratches her cheek before realising what she’s doing and then bashfully averts Sayo's gaze. Sayo’s grateful that Tsugumi decided to avert her face cause she herself has to hide her face in her hands. She has always thought Tsugumi looked rather cute, ever since the first time she saw her, but at the beginning it was just a standard lesbian observation. Didn’t mean much. But now she felt like her heart was about to burst from her chest from the affection for a small squirrel girl. God, she’s acting like a lovestruck teenager, huh?

‘I am... not that tired but a rest does sound rather nice.’ Sayo says this while clearing her throat and prays she sounds like she’s cool and in control and not like a young girl with poorly hidden crush. 

If Sayo sounded like the latter option Tsugumi chooses not to comment on it and instead climbs on the bench and then pats place right next to her. Not having any other choice Sayo obliges, while taking care as to put her tail on the side Tsugumi isn’t siting on. Tails tended to have mind of their own and even if Sayo couldn’t avoid making a fool out of herself, she could at least minimise the embarrassment. She isn’t a young pup anymore- hitting someone with your tail stopped being endearing way back in 4th grade.

So now they were sitting right next to each other, on a bench that was surrounded by tall trees, with the only sound being their breaths and gentle whistling of the wind.

‘It’s been getting colder recently, huh?’ This isn’t Sayo’s greatest attempt at starting conversation but she had to start somewhere.

‘Ah, uh, yeah! It’s been rather chilly today. We are going to update our menu for the season soon, too.’

_Thank you Hazawa-san_, Sayo silently thinks, _for actually knowing how to keep the conversation going._

‘Is that so? I’ll have to check it out then. Please let me know when it will be available.’ _Assuming you’ll still want talk to me by then_, a bitter voice inside her says.

‘Of course! Ah, can I ask you about something though?’

‘...? Sure, go ahead.’ Sayo had no idea what could Tsugumi ask her about. She hopes it’s not related to her dental situation this time, though she doubts Tsugumi would ask her about it after what went down week ago.

‘Wolves grow winter fur, right? Is it bothersome to deal with? Tomoe-chan and Ako-chan always complain about the shedding, so I was wondering if that’s a case with you too. Since you are canine as well!’

_Ah, so that’s what’s going on_, Sayo thinks. Well, that’s an easy and an unproblematic question to answer.

‘Yeah, it is rather annoying to deal with. Especially with an entire household of wolves... mom- my mother, I mean,’ Tsugumi likely didn’t care or would judge her for how she referred her mother as but some things she’d rather reminded private ‘she always complains about having to clean everything all over again every day.’

Sayo chuckles ‘Real, it’s not as bad as shedding for summer. Hina always complains how boring cutting her fur is before getting excited over what she’ll buy for the money we get from fur donation.’

Tsugumi lets out a gentle laugh ‘That does sound like Hina-senpai! She’s not good with tasks that force her to sit down for long...’

‘Y-yeah, she’s pretty bad at these type of tasks.’

.

..

...

So, what should she say now? Seems like this topic has ran it’s course and now they are back to awkwardly sitting next to each other, while the clock is ticking mercilessly. Sayo has to act now.

But what will she say? ‘_By the way Hazawa-san, I am in love with you, and my brain can not separate my attraction to you with hunger and thus I’ve had several dreams where I’ve killed and eaten you._’? No way, absolutely no.

But Tsugumi, sweet, kind Tsugumi saves her once again.

‘Um, Sayo-san? You know, how I’ve said in my message that I haven’t been honest with you?’ 

‘Y-yes, of course.’ Sayo feels uncomfortably warm all of the sudden, as if she got trapped under a heater and had no way out.

Tsugumi squirms at that, seemingly still feeling uneasy about what’s she’s about to ask. ‘Um.. I’m wondering… what do you think about me?’

‘_What does she think about Hazawa Tsugumi?’ _

Sayo thinks she could write a novel about the ways Tsugumi makes her feel. How comforting and soothing her presence is, how, despite normally feeling inadequate and too rough, too mean to truly connect with others she can feel herself growing softer in Tsugumi’s presence, how, somehow, she feels comfortable in her skin for once in her life…

How Sayo just _likes herself_ when she’s around Tsugumi, how for once she thinks she’s _enough_.

She wants to tell Tsugumi all of this and then more but the words are stuck in her throat and Tsugumi seems more and more stressed by her silence with every second.

‘I- it’s okay if you don’t know what to say, I know this is such a sudden question you don’t need to worry about it-‘ Tsugumi’s rambling and working herself in the frenzy now and won’t stop unless Sayo does _something_. Perhaps, Sayo thinks, if her words are failing her now she can express herself with gestures.

Sayo barely realizes what she is doing before it's too late. She wants to curse her impulses but what's done is done.

In her arms she's holding a small squirrel.

Tsugumi is... Tsugumi is so small, so soft... It feels better than any dream Sayo had before. It's like she's holding physical form of a shooting star that fell from the sky right into her arms, still warm, still bright and as impossible as the current reality.

Tsugumi, for her part, seems to be confused by Sayo's sudden action.

'S-sayo-san?!'

'Please...' Sayo whispers almost directly in Tsugumi's ear and she swears she can hear how Tsugumi's breath hitches 'just... bare with me for a little. Okay?'

'Um, o-okay...?' Tsugumi seems to still be puzzled by Sayo's actions but it looks like she's not alarmed anymore. Good, that's good for what's to come. Soon, Tsugumi will be trying her best to get out of Sayo's embrace, to run for help against a big carnivore that has just admitted to dreaming about eating her and Sayo will let her.

If that's her punishment so be it.

'Hazawa-san... you've said you want to know what I think of you, right?' she can feel Tsugumi's hesitant nod.

She takes a big breath before continuing: 'I... was too shy to say it to your face before but I find you attractive. Day after day you are all I can think about. I want to hold you and never let go.’'

At that Tsugumi freezes- of course she does. A large carnivore has just admitted having romantic feelings for her- what small herbivore wouldn’t be shaking in their boots?

'I am-I'm in love with you,' the words barely make it out of her mouth, the share fear of putting her feelings out in the open enough to cause Sayo to feel faint 'but I am filled... I am filled with so many ugly desires.'

'What... do you mean...?'

Sayo feels as if she’s watching herself from high above spilling her deepest secrets. There’s no stopping this deluge of blood soaked nightmares, of a hunger that haunts her every waking hour, of her confusion if her body is mistaking her love for hunger or her hunger for love.

She doesn’t know how much time passes but she can feel how Tsugumi trembles in her arms. How heavy her breathing got. In her selfish desire to come clean she has put Tsugumi under immeasurable stress.

‘Hazawa-san,’ while saying that Sayo looses her embrace and shuffles a bit further on the bench ‘I understand if you want to contact police right now. Rest assured I won’t be resist-‘

** _‘Why would I do that?!’_ **

All thoughts in Sayo’s head halt. Tsugumi, sweet Tsugumi, is yelling at her with tears in her eyes. Why are you yelling? Sayo has merely suggested a logical course of action when a carnivore admits to having thoughts of eating herbivore. Why would Tsugumi, someone who’s ethics and morals Sayo herself admires, be upset at Sayo’s suggestion?

‘Sayo-san, I-‘ Tsugumi has to stop and wipe her left eye ‘I… won’t lie and say I am not scared of what you’ve told me but-! But you haven’t done anything wrong!’

Sayo opens her mouth to protest but before she can even utter one syllable Tsugumi cuts her off: ‘R-right now’ she starts, visibly trembling’I am both the most scared and happiest I have ever been.’

The next thing Tsugumi does freezes all blood in Sayo’s veins. She shuffles close to Sayo and puts her hands on her knees. Sayo was no expert on small animals body language (even though she has bought few of these self-help books about ‘establishing proper relationship with a small animal’, an act she will never repeat again after Hina found them and loudly asked about them in presence of the rest of Roselia) but... this made no sense. What animal in their right mind would willingly get close to someone who has just admitted their hunger? Perhaps, Tsugumi, presented with a life threatening situation, socked Sayo hard enough that she has fainted and now is having a nice what-if dream while police sirens are loudly crying in the background.

But the warmth of Tsugumi’s hands on her knees, and how Tsugumi’s eyes shine whike looking up to see _Sayo _feel way better, way too real to be any dream she has ever had. Before any further thoughts on how real or good the current situation feels can materialise Tsugumi’s voice cuts through them.

‘What you’ve just told me,’ her words seem to fall from her lips so slowly, as if Tsugumi herself wasn’t sure if they were good enough ‘it scared me. A lot. but... but I don’t believe you could hurt me, Sayo-san.’

The confusion at that statement must have appeared on Sayo’s face as Tsugumi quickly continued.

‘Sayo-san, you are... you are a very kind and gentle wolf. I know it’s hard for you to open up to others and that because of that you can come across as cold or accidentally hurt others. But I know that the real you is a warm and loving animal, even if you are ashamed to admit it.’

‘And I don’t mean just for me! Hina-senpai talks so much about you and how you’ll help her with guitar tuning or how you will awkwardly invite her for a movie. Eve-chan talks how even though you are strict and many students are afraid of you, you are always there for any student who needs help.’

Tsugumi stops for a moment, seeing just how much she said in, essentially, one breath, and Sayo feels strangely warm. That kind of warm before her winter coat sheds but the weather is warm and so Sayo is forced to deal with overheating all day before coming home for sweet salvation of AC.

‘...Sayo-san? Could you give me your hand?’ Sayo’s first instinct is to protest: even if Tsugumi wasn’t someone who a) she had dreams of eating and b) was in love with this would be incredibly embarrassing. But her protest dies as soon as she sees the way Tsugumi looks at her. Her small, chocolate eyes, looking up to her and silently asking for her hand. Sayo can’t do anything but present her shaking hand to Tsugumi, who gently holds it. If there was ever a time Sayo regretted being born with a thick fur on her hands it is now.

It’s amazing, how Tsugumi’s both hands don’t even cover hers. Yet another reminder of just how small Tsugumi is when compared to Sayo. And despite everything that has happened Tsugumi’s hands are in hers. Whatever god is granting them these small miracles, that’s a debt Sayo won’t be able to pay off in just one lifetime.

‘Sayo-san? You are trembling.’

‘...sorry.’

‘Ah, no, it’s okay! I guess I am not the only one scared, haha...’

‘You don’t have to force yourself to stay with me-‘

‘I want to stay. I still have things I need to say to you.’

Tsugumi’s stroking her hand now and the only thing Sayo can think of is how she wants this moment to last forever. However, the serene atmosphere is interrupted by Tsugumi’s voice.

‘Someone who would want to real hurt me wouldn’t admit so with tears in her eyes.’

‘But-!’ Sayo’s protest stops dead in its tracks the moment she feels Tsugumi squeezing her hand and giving her a pleading look.

‘Sayo-san? Please let me finish.’ Sayo can only nod at that.

‘I’m sure- I’m sure there are dark parts of you but... I believe that if... _these thoughts _cause you so much distress and that they disgust you that... it says much more about you than these thoughts do.’

Sayo wants to cry at these words, even if she may not believe them, not yet at least, it feels as if a rock has been lifted from her heart.

‘...hey, Sayo-san?’ Tsugumi’s voice is so quiet and sounds so serious that Sayo can’t help but swallow before replying:

‘Yes?’

‘You know how I’ve said how I was never as terrified nor happy as right now?’

Tsugumi looks up, unsure and embarrassed.

‘Do you want to know why I am happy?’

There’s only one replay Sayo can give.

‘Of course.’

‘That’s because-’ Tsugumi takes a big breath ‘that’s because I love you as well.’

There are some moments in life that seem to take place in slow motion. Some of them are the moments of joy, of euphoria while some others are the moments of tragedy, of sorrow. And Sayo was no stranger to these moments however...

However, this moment- her sitting on a bench in secluded place in a park, facing her first love and baring all of her sins to her, only to be faced with a warm acceptance and ‘I love you too.’- this one would be the one this young wolf would always put as her happiest one, until her muzzle turned grey.

Sayo thinks she hears ringing in her ear and she feels unbelievably warm. She swears her fur will become red from just how hard she’s blushing underneath her fur. This whole conversation feels like a fever dream- unbearably hot, confusing and the only thing that’s left afterwards are vague recollections.

But the soft wind blowing against her fur, the way Tsugumi is still holding her hand, slightly shaking, her own unsteady breath leave no illusion that this is the reality.

‘You.. like me?’ A stupid question but the one Sayo has to ask to make sure she isn’t somehow mishearing.

Tsugumi seems surprised at the sudden question judging from the way she slightly jumps but wastes not time replaying: ‘Um, yeah! A lot and, um, for a while now!’ 

‘**_Oh.’_**

Sayo puts both of her hands on her mouth. ‘Oh my god...’

She can not look at Tsugumi right now, not with the way her adorable chocolate eyes look at Sayo’s now, she just can’t and so she turns her head in the opposite direction.

‘Hazawa-san,’ Sayo starts and waits for a quiet ’Yes?’ from Tsugumi before continuing ‘please... bare with me for a moment. I... need to accept this is the reality and it may take a while.’

‘O-of course!’ 

After few minutes they’ve spent together in silence, with Sayo brain going haywire, Tsugumi finally speaks.

‘Sayo-san…do you want to make amends? For the past week, I mean.’

Sayo’s ears perk up, and her tail stars hitting the bench; the honesty of her body is embarrassing but she has to tough it out. ‘Of course.’

‘Then… then!’ Tsugumi inhales, and turns to face Sayo and looks up to her with her trademarked determined eyes ‘Please kiss me!’

.

..

…

** _‘Eh?!’_ **

Sayo’s shout is loud enough that the normal level-headed wolf would cringe at herself for making ruckus but her heart is beating too loudly in her chest for her to care.

Had she misheard? Is she actually unconscious after all and her subconscious is creating an elaborate fantasy? She pinches herself but she’s still in the park, on the bench, while Tsugumi is looking at her looking a bit panicked.

‘U-um, I mean! It’s okay if you don’t want to but from what you’ve told me it… sounded like you do want to k-kiss, since you like me as well, so that’s why I’ve suggested it but if you don’t want to it’s okay, um-!’ as Tsugumi is saying this, her eyes seem to transform into circles. _‘’…cute…!’’ _Sayo thinks, before realizing she should act before Tsugumi drives herself in the frenzy.

‘I-I admit I do want that but-‘ Sayo starts ‘we shouldn’t be doing this…’

‘Why though? Sayo-san, you’ve just admitted you like me and um, I like you too so… isn’t it normal for two animals in love to kiss?’ despite being so worked up just few moments before Tsugumi looks at Sayo with newfound courage.

‘Y-yeah, but… but I can not promise you a future with me.’

‘E-excuse me?’ Tsugumi seems visibly confused at Sayo’s statement.

Sayo gulps. ‘I-I don’t real have a lot of money of my own… and even though Roselia is doing well for now, being a musician is not a stable job so I-I couldn’t possibly do something as shameless as k-kissing you.’ By the end of sentence her voice starts cracking. _Embarrassing, embarrassing!!!_

Sayo looks back at Tsugumi, who… is visibly frowning? Oh god, Sayo messed up again, didn’t she?

Finally, Tsugumi sighs ‘Sayo-san… I am asking for a kiss not your hand in marriage. You real don’t need to worry about things like finances right _now_.’

‘B-but,’ Sayo is still trying to put up a fight ‘wouldn’t this be your first kiss? Do you… real want it to be with me…?’

‘Oh, um…!’ Tsugumi blushes and turns her head away from Sayo’s, while stuttering ‘ahaha, it wouldn’t be my first kiss though…?’

ah.

Well, thinking about it, it was pretty preposterous for Sayo to assume that Tsugumi was never in a relationship or hasn’t kissed before. She’s so cute and beautiful, she must have had suitors queuing up. Just because they were both similar to each other doesn’t mean Tsugumi shared Sayo’s ‘no-experience-in-romance’ background.

‘Ah, so, um… you were dating before…?’

At that question, Tsugumi places her paws on Sayo’s knees once again and looks up at her ‘No! I, um, well… it’s just… I’ve… kissed the others in Afterglow, um , before they all paired up!’ She seems sort of… bashful at admitting that.

‘…’ Sayo is not sure what to say. She wants to assure Tsugumi she doesn’t think any less for her being more experienced than Sayo but she’s also a self-indulgent, hormonal teenager who is a bit disappointed that a girl she likes already had her first kiss. She can now add ‘an ugly monopolistic desire’ to list of her flaws.

Tsugumi’s ears drop as she fidgets with her pads. ‘Um, sorry…’

‘D-don’t be! I mean, it was silly of me to assume…’ Sayo says, while scratching herself behind her ear. _This is so awkward…_

'...'

'...'

'Sayo-sa--'

'Hazawa-san.'

'Y-you can go first!'

'...are you sure you want to risk this?'

'Yes. I trust you, Sayo-san.'

'Do... do you know that there were cases where carnivore lost themselves during s-sexual intercourse and-and ended up injuring o-or even killing their partner? I... I can't guaranteed your safety.'

'As I've said before, I trust you.'

'But-!'

'Sayo-san. Do you want to kiss me?'

'Y-yes.'

'Then... do you trust me?'

'Of course.'

'So.. can you trust my trust in you?'

'I...'

'Sayo-san?'

Sayo's heart is in a vast sea of emotions. There is nothing she wants more than to take Tsugumi's hand and kiss her. 

But she's also a boring, realist wolf who's concerned about the risk any type of physical relationship between her and Tsugumi. Not only they are a carnivore/herbivore pair, their size difference is also a big problem. It would enough for Sayo to put juuuuust a tad more pressure when holding Tsugumi's arm and that would be enough for Tsugumi to land in a hospital and for Sayo to end up in juvenile center.

If... she allows herself to be selfish, will there be consequences? 

...?!

There is... a small hand on hers. Sayo looks up from the ground and her breath hitches. Tsugumi... Tsugumi is the most beautiful, the most radiant animal she has ever saw. Her eyes, so full of determination and gentle love seem to shine more than a brightest star.

'Sayo-san,' Tsugumi takes a big breath, 'I won't force you into anything you don't want to. I can take a rejection. But please, reject me because Sayo the wolf wants to do and not because it's what society tells you to.'

'So,' Tsugumi has to stop before continuing; clearly it's as stressful for her as it is for Sayo 'do you like me?'

Sayo feels so embarrassed but she answers without hesitation 'Yes.'

Tsugumi's grip on her paw tightens 'And... do you want to go out?'

'Y-yes'

'A-and! Do you want to kiss'

_''More than anything I have ever wanted in my life"_ is what Sayo thinks when opting for a simpler answer: 

'Yes.'

The smile Tsugumi gives her takes her breath away; it’s so blinding it’s as if she’s looking directly at the sun and not at a small squirrel.

'Then... let’s, Sayo-san?'

'Lets, Hazawa-san.' Sayo tries her best to show of her best smile while saying this.

'Ah!' Tsugumi sounds just like someone who suddenly remembered they’ve left the oven on and Sayo can’t help but tilt her head in confusion. 

'S-sorry, I know i am asking a lot out of you at once but,' whatever it is Tsugumi wants to ask Sayo about is making her nervous, 'could you call me Tsugumi-san...?'

'Eh?!' The sound Sayo makes at this request is far cry from yelp of a great wolf but rather akin to one of that of a squeaky toy 'b-but, isn’t that too soon? I-it’s kind of embarrassing...'

‘With all due respect Sayo-san,’ Tsugumi frowns ‘but I think you can afford to call a girl you had dreams of eating and are about to kiss by her name.’

_Ack_. Well, Sayo supposes Tsugumi is right but… that was a low blow!

‘T-tsugumi-san’ she starts, embarrassed ‘you… can be kind of mean sometimes, you know that?’

Tsugumi seems startled by that ‘Ah! I’m sorry I’ve went out of line again I didn’t mean to make you feel bad-!’

‘No, no you didn’t make me feel bad! I… don’t mind this side of you, Tsugumi-san.’ Sayo is so, so grateful she has thick fur all over her body cause she’s sure otherwise she would be blushing so bright, it would put stage lighting to shame.

At that, Tsugumi’s ears stand up to full attention while she puts her hand against her mouth. ‘Sayo-san…! Um, can we, you know, k-kiss now…? O-only if you still want to, of course!’

_Oh._ That’s right, that’s what they were supposed to be doing.

‘Um, y-yeah, I want to! So, um….’

Sayo hesitates. Then, slowly, she reaches out with her trembling paws to cup Tsugumi’s cheeks. _So soft…_ She stroks her left cheek with the utmost care, so amazed at how much better the reality felt than dreams.

_Inhale. _‘Is… this okay?’ she asks while looking at Tsugumi.

‘Y-yeah…’ despite her earlier bravado, there is no way to hide that Tsugumi is incredibly nervous, with her whole body visibly trembling. _Like a cornered prey_ something inside her whispered-

_No._

Sayo didn’t, couldn’t real see herself as a gentle or a kind animal that Hina or Tsugumi saw her for. Couldn’t see herself as anything but harsh and rough.

But the least she could do for the ones she loved was to believe in what they saw in her. Even if she herself was blind to anything that wasn’t her flaws.

Even so…

Even so, she wants to take a chance on this love.

Trembling, still trembling oh-so-much Sayo goes down from the bench to kneel before Tsugumi, to get hers and Tsugumi’s faces on the same level. Her tail is on the ground and is getting dirty but if that’s a price she has to pay to be able to see Tsugumi’s face fully she’ll gladly do so.

Sayo hasn’t realized it before but her’s and Tsugumi’s eyes never real meet on the same level before. She never realized just how lovely Tsugumi’s eyes were. A light brown, like a milk chocolate, a forbidden candy that she could eat only in very small chunks occasionally, that tasted way too good to be deadly in large quantities. ‘_’Amazing_…’’ she uttered ‘’your eyes… are real brown…’’.

Tsugumi fidgets at the compliment ‘’Ah! Aaaaah, t-thanks but um… c-could we kiss already…?’’ Immediately as she said that, Tsugumi’s eyes get comically wide ‘AH! That came out wrong sorry, it’s not that I am inpatient or anything it’s just this position is kind of stressful- not that it’s your fault a-and I real like how your hand feels like on my cheek but-!!! Aaaaaah, I’m sorry, I’m rambling-!’

‘Tsugumi,’ Sayo interrupts ‘’it’s okay. I-I’ve got you.’’ She gives Tsugumi an awkward but sincere smile. ‘’So, um… I’ll kiss you now, alright?’’ she feels like steam is evaporating from her head at record time, she is so embarrassed.

Tsugumi is shaking still, and looks so embarrassed but there was no hesitation in her voice ‘Y-yeah. G-go on…’

Sayo cups Tsugumi’s other cheek. The girl in question has already closed her eyes and was waiting for Sayo’s next move.

‘_’Well_,’’ Sayo thinks as she inches her face forward ‘_I guess even a no-good perverted wolf like me can find happiness._’’

This was the day their love was set in motion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so this story ends. But as you might have noticed, this fic is in ‘Beastdori’ serie right now. As you might have guessed...
> 
> ...I intend to write more for this particular AU. Now, to be clearly the two ideas I have are not sayotsugu related (though, sytsg will be an important background element in one) but I do hope to revisit our squirrel and a wolf one day. After all, getting together is only the beginning! Relationships can be hard and they are even harder when you are anthropomorphic animals.
> 
> Lastly, I do wanna say it may take some time before next instalment; straight up, it may end up starting at the beginning of the next year. I dunno if it will be longer but as opposed to this one there won’t be a strict chapter count. As many people I get depressed in winter but in addition December is... a rough month for me, lets say. But I do wanna keep this AU going! I think it provides good ground for character analysis, even if I am not exactly good at that yet!
> 
> Twitter is @czerwonyrower that’s where I go to cry over my lack of buff tiger boyfriend (+18 due to light suggestive content). Please talk to me on there, I love talking! Even if I am shy at first haha...

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully, it won't be too long before I post next chapter (I have chunks of it written but I need to connect them). Catch me on twitter at @czerwonyrower (though, please be +18 cause, while nothing explicit is tweeted I feel way more comfortable with adults following me).


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